curingidiocy | Inbox (Synflux)

[ They're getting closer to the source of what ails Raidou, he thinks. But it'll take a lot more digging to truly bring it out.

While they've been talking, Ratio had led Raidou through the less used hallways of the base. Once they reach the deeper end of the greenhouse, where hardly anyone ever comes, he heads towards one of the benches placed in the area and sits down, beckoning the young summoner to join him. ]

Why do you persist with the same strategy if you believe it isn't working?

[ Asked in a neutral tone, devoid of judgement. Ratio looks at Raidou, but it isn't with the sharp, critical gaze he normally has. It is softer, as if he's trying to appear unintimidating. ]

[That look surprises Raidou a little, and he joins on the bench after a moment.

Ratio's obviously asked something Raidou's not considered, from the pause that's even longer than normal.]

...I... What else am I supposed to do.

[He really doesn't have a good answer to that.]

There are people here worth fighting for. Worth helping. They're counting on us.

[ Ratio tuts, a small noise of disapproval as Raidou misses what the scholar is trying to get at. ]

That is your desire, your goal. That is not your strategy.

To help people, what is it that you are doing? Something in the process of realizing your wish is going wrong, is it not?

A-Ah...

[A moment of thought comes with the unsure motions; a shake of the head and the shrugging of shoulders.]

I don't... have one. Back home, I investigated cases that usually led to demon involvement. Sometimes that lead to a battle, sometimes not. It's one thing that isn't so different about working for LILITH. But instead, in the face of the kaiju, we've been failing.

[The heart of Las Vegas collapsing to a kaiju attack. Thousands upon thousands of victims of the imugi in Seoul. Destroying an entire village in Romania. Raidou thinks about them constantly.]

I want to keep the people here safe. Outsiders, too. I don't-- want to do what I did to you to happen ever again.

[ He figured this was the cause of Raidou's turmoil. His guilt over the lives lost, and his inability to handle that. From the looks of it, the failure he's facing here is magnitudes greater than anything he's ever faced before. Otherwise, he would be much calmer, like Ratio, who already has the blood of trillions on his hands for his involvement in the creation of an anti-planetary weapon. ]

Do you believe there is any version of you that could have altered what has happened? If you were stronger, faster, better at combat, or more persuasive... what would have changed?

[ He's not one to indulge in what-ifs, but there's a point to this question. ]

[Raidou looks at him for just a moment, as if Ratio just asked the most obvious question in the world.]

Of course. If I were strong or smarter or-- whatever was needed, then I could be more of a help.

I got the upgrade surgeries for this very reason. They've made it so that I can do more, carry my own weight better. [He shakes his head lightly.] I would rather not get any others, if I don't need to, though.

[ It sounds like an obvious question, yes, but... ]

How much? How many people do you think you would have saved with these upgrades?

Even if it allowed me to only save one more person, then it was entirely worth it.

[This is one question answered without a moment of hesitation.]

[ There's a fundamental difference in the way they think, Ratio realizes. Perhaps it is a flaw of his, but as they've had this conversation, Ratio had been thinking in terms of hundreds and thousands of lives. But Raidou? He's focused on every single person in front of him.

It isn't that Ratio doesn't care for the individual person; far from it, but his work's repercussions are usually quantified in tens, hundreds of thousands, even millions of people, and are slow progressing, far-future effects rather than immediate. He is used to scale—and perhaps it is the mismatch of these scales that causes Raidou distress.

Ratio is silent for a moment as he ponders how best to phrase his words. ]

Perhaps you could have saved one more person. Maybe even ten. What of a hundred, or a thousand? From what I've observed, you seem to be allowing the weight of all the lives lost overwhelm you.

[That's a harder one to answer. Ratio's completely right on that.]

I... I can only do so much myself. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prevent things like that from happening again.

Then understand that all of our recent failures are a shared burden. Though the guilt is no less heavy, you must realize the limits to your capabilities. Understand them, but work to surpass them.

You will no doubt continue to encounter failure after failure. That is simply life. [ Even he has encountered failure, and some failures were far more costly than any one person should bear. ] But the difference between those who go on to accomplish great things lies in how they handle those failures.

Will you let your failures crush you?

[Often, Ratio gives Raidou the vibes of a Kuzunoha clan elder, from how he speaks and carries himself, to his breadth of knowledge. The lesson he's giving now, though, is a very un-Kuzunoha-like one.]

As a summoner, failure is not an option. Your failure means the cost of other's lives and safety.

[Raidou can't even help but look a little guilty, even now, as he tries to remain sitting straight and maintaining his stoic air. He debates internally for a few moments before deciding to elaborate, just a little.]

... I failed in my mission right before I arrived home. If I somehow survived the incident... at best, my clan will strip me of my title. At worst, execution.

It is a possibility. One that cannot be reduced to zero. We do not live in a world where you can control every variable or factor that could affect an outcome.

[ He doesn't deal with death as closely as Raidou does, but his work often saves lives. And sometimes, it destroys them as well. He's lucky, in a sense, that he usually never has to face the consequences of his failures personally—that is, until now, on this planet. It had not been an easy process, to see the devastation first hand and deal with the guilt that came with it. ]

Hmph. Fools are so eager to rid themselves of a subordinate after one failure.

[ That's the only comment he can make without trying to dictate how Raidou should feel about his situation. The scholar looks at the young summoner, expression solemn. ]

So long as you live, you will always have a myriad of options to choose from, whether or not you recognize their existence. I implore you think carefully about your situation, and what it is you desire for yourself.

I know. But with the scale of our failures here... I can't help but to want to do more. I don't want more to suffer because of our mistakes.

[Raidou shakes his head lightly.]

One mistake that has possibly cost hundreds or thousands of lives in my city. Were LILITH to return me home, and I am still alive there, I will face whatever punishment my clan hands down to me. I understood the weight of my title when I earned it.

[But Raidou doesn't want to go home. His chance of survival seemed slim. It's not that he's scared of dying, it's that he's been given a second chance that no one usually gets. Something he didn't earn, like a gift. He doesn't want to squander it.

This whole while, Raidou's eyes have been glued to the floor, but they shift now in Ratio's direction.

What he desires? It's never been about him.

He nods, almost imperceptibly.]

I will. Though I'm not sure how one could ever figure that out.

[ Raidou's disregard for himself is too strongly engrained for Ratio to uproot easily. He sighs and shakes his head, brows furrowing in exasperation. ]

Well? Have you managed to accomplish more by pushing yourself to the point of delirium?

[Ouch. He looks away again, frowning slightly.]

... No.

I never wanted things to get so-- so bad.

[There's no other way to put it than "bad". Continuing to try and dodge the matter is only going to make things worse.]

I just want to help others. A-And I know, if I push myself too far, I won't be in any shape to help anyone. I've heard it before.

[Spoken in an exasperated, exhausted way, not bitter.]

I just-- can't fix it overnight. I know it might not seem like it, but I am trying.

Assaulting me is the very opposite of helping.

[ Said drily, but not accusingly. What Ratio wants to point out is that Raidou's desperation and overexertion is doing harm, not doing nothing. He isn't helping, he's making things worse. This isn't a net zero gain, this is a negative. ]

Are you going to keep telling yourself that you're trying when you aren't?

[ If he was truly trying, he would set aside his pride and ask for help. He would stop worrying about what others think, and focus on finding the best way to achieve the goal he desires. ]

[Raidou can't help but feel that one as another barb, though. And before he can even think of what to say, Ratio's other comment makes his head snap right back up to him, a puzzled look that's a little hurt, too.]

What do you-- I am trying, it's--

[He doesn't know what to say. More breaks, stop overexerting yourself, that's what everyone keep saying, right? He actually has been taking more breaks, getting others to help with the work in Okinawa so he has less on his plate. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

There isn't a lot of fight in those words, though, like there might have been in the past if accused of this again. He's trying, but he's tired, he's in need of help that he doesn't know he needs. That makes it even harder to ask for when you already have a pile of pride in the way.

Shoulders tense, he rubs a hand down his face. Thinking of how to put his words together. If he's not doing enough now, is anything going to be enough?]

I refuse to quit. But I don't want things like that happening again. I will fix it, or I will no longer be fit to be an Outsider. I-I won't fail this as I have a summoner.

[There's resolve in his voice, but it wavers as he goes on.]

[ It's what everyone has been saying, Ratio included, but it's clear that it's not working. That Raidou hasn't really considered what's truly being asked of him when people tell him to rest. He hasn't thought things through. Hasn't thought about why he's struggling, and why others aren't. He doesn't yet know how to shoulder the burden he's been given here. He can't even confidently announce his intentions.

What the young man needs is for his mind to be cleansed of distracting thoughts. ]

Have you used the public baths in the spa? I invite you to join me for a soak.

[ The tone of his voice indicates that he means right now, but it isn't a command. It's just an invitation, but there's clearly a reason the scholar has brought this up out of the blue. ]

[The swerve in conversation earns Ratio another slightly puzzled look.]

Ah... a couple of times.

[It's a nice facility, but he has different priorities.]

... When I have the time, we go to the onsen outside of town. Or I go just visit the cats.

[Admitted a little sheepishly.]

[ Ratio stands abruptly, taking a few steps forward before turning to face Raidou. ]

Come. Let us cleanse our minds and bodies of the filth that persists.

[ This time it is said in a commanding tone, but it is just soft enough to give Raidou room to reject the invitation now that it's been made clearly. ]

Inbox (Synflux)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject