curingidiocy | Inbox (Synflux)

[ Ratio stares at Raidou for a moment, and then sighs, folding his arms across his chest in an exasperated manner. ]

It is not that I dislike apologies when I am due one. If I accepted your apology every time, would you think any further of your own actions? Would you reflect upon yourself?

Most would not.

[ He shakes his head with another sigh, and then beckons Raidou. ]

Come.

[ Without waiting for a response, Ratio sets off at a measured pace. ]

[Raidou isn't in the habit of saying things he doesn't mean, and almost says as much, but doesn't. Even if that is true.

He doesn't like being this way. He wants to be different. But everything weighing on him only makes it harder to do.

Before he can come up with anything to say, Ratio takes off down the hall. There's a moment of hesitation before Ratio can hear the footsteps following him.]

[ They walk in silence for a few moments, further away from the cafeteria, before Ratio speaks up again. ]

Tell me: do you believe you've grown or regressed since your arrival on this planet?

[ Perhaps not the question Raidou expected Ratio to ask, but humour the scholar. Or don't. ]

[A moment of quiet as Raidou thinks on that and formulates an answer.]

... I'm not sure. Is both possible?

[Progressed in some areas, regressed in others. He's never had much of a chance to process or talk about the things that happened to him right before he arrived in Neo Tokyo, let alone everything since. It adds up. Blame it on his upbringing, perhaps. Being a summoner is difficult, and you need to deal with it and move on.

Easier said than done, of course.]

There's been... good and bad, together.

[ Not a bad answer. Ratio's lips curl upwards a tad—an expression not quite visible to Raidou since the scholar isn't looking at him. ]

Yes, certainly. We are not such simple creatures that all aspects of ourselves move in unison at all times.

Then: what of you has grown, and what has regressed?

[ He doesn't expect Raidou to answer candidly, but it'll be up to the young man to set his boundaries. ]

[It is a little tough for him to answer out loud. Things like this are embarrassing for any teenager to admit, since the biggest growth answers are "made friends" and "have been dating someone".

There's a quiet noise of thought from him.]

... My life is different here in most ways then back home. I suppose the biggest difference is... needing to work with so many others. On a team. Protecting people was always my goal as a summoner, but I mostly worked alone. It's been... an adjustment, having so many others around all the time.

[ Hm. Not quite the answer he was looking for. ]

And? Do you believe you've successfully learned to work with others? Or are you struggling with other aspects of cooperation and teamwork?

[ That is to say, comparing himself and his achievements against others? ]

[He'll get there. Introspection isn't his strong suit.]

It... is a struggle, yes. Working on a team. Living in this world. Dealing with these missions.

[Another quiet moment, as feelings well up that he attempts to tamp down. To find a way to express it without sounding weak to his own ears.]

When I was a summoner, I dealt with with several existential threats to the Capital. To Japan. They were not easy, but I persevered, right up until I arrived here. When I finally lost.

[Raidou already feels like he's going on too long, at someone who might not even care to hear it. He doesn't want to make excuses for his behavior. But that loss, with all the other losses the Outsiders experienced on top of it, make them all feel like personal failures.]

I'm just... trying to continue persevering. Despite that. I don't think it's working, but I'm not giving up. Not yet.

[ They're getting closer to the source of what ails Raidou, he thinks. But it'll take a lot more digging to truly bring it out.

While they've been talking, Ratio had led Raidou through the less used hallways of the base. Once they reach the deeper end of the greenhouse, where hardly anyone ever comes, he heads towards one of the benches placed in the area and sits down, beckoning the young summoner to join him. ]

Why do you persist with the same strategy if you believe it isn't working?

[ Asked in a neutral tone, devoid of judgement. Ratio looks at Raidou, but it isn't with the sharp, critical gaze he normally has. It is softer, as if he's trying to appear unintimidating. ]

[That look surprises Raidou a little, and he joins on the bench after a moment.

Ratio's obviously asked something Raidou's not considered, from the pause that's even longer than normal.]

...I... What else am I supposed to do.

[He really doesn't have a good answer to that.]

There are people here worth fighting for. Worth helping. They're counting on us.

[ Ratio tuts, a small noise of disapproval as Raidou misses what the scholar is trying to get at. ]

That is your desire, your goal. That is not your strategy.

To help people, what is it that you are doing? Something in the process of realizing your wish is going wrong, is it not?

A-Ah...

[A moment of thought comes with the unsure motions; a shake of the head and the shrugging of shoulders.]

I don't... have one. Back home, I investigated cases that usually led to demon involvement. Sometimes that lead to a battle, sometimes not. It's one thing that isn't so different about working for LILITH. But instead, in the face of the kaiju, we've been failing.

[The heart of Las Vegas collapsing to a kaiju attack. Thousands upon thousands of victims of the imugi in Seoul. Destroying an entire village in Romania. Raidou thinks about them constantly.]

I want to keep the people here safe. Outsiders, too. I don't-- want to do what I did to you to happen ever again.

[ He figured this was the cause of Raidou's turmoil. His guilt over the lives lost, and his inability to handle that. From the looks of it, the failure he's facing here is magnitudes greater than anything he's ever faced before. Otherwise, he would be much calmer, like Ratio, who already has the blood of trillions on his hands for his involvement in the creation of an anti-planetary weapon. ]

Do you believe there is any version of you that could have altered what has happened? If you were stronger, faster, better at combat, or more persuasive... what would have changed?

[ He's not one to indulge in what-ifs, but there's a point to this question. ]

[Raidou looks at him for just a moment, as if Ratio just asked the most obvious question in the world.]

Of course. If I were strong or smarter or-- whatever was needed, then I could be more of a help.

I got the upgrade surgeries for this very reason. They've made it so that I can do more, carry my own weight better. [He shakes his head lightly.] I would rather not get any others, if I don't need to, though.

[ It sounds like an obvious question, yes, but... ]

How much? How many people do you think you would have saved with these upgrades?

Even if it allowed me to only save one more person, then it was entirely worth it.

[This is one question answered without a moment of hesitation.]

[ There's a fundamental difference in the way they think, Ratio realizes. Perhaps it is a flaw of his, but as they've had this conversation, Ratio had been thinking in terms of hundreds and thousands of lives. But Raidou? He's focused on every single person in front of him.

It isn't that Ratio doesn't care for the individual person; far from it, but his work's repercussions are usually quantified in tens, hundreds of thousands, even millions of people, and are slow progressing, far-future effects rather than immediate. He is used to scale—and perhaps it is the mismatch of these scales that causes Raidou distress.

Ratio is silent for a moment as he ponders how best to phrase his words. ]

Perhaps you could have saved one more person. Maybe even ten. What of a hundred, or a thousand? From what I've observed, you seem to be allowing the weight of all the lives lost overwhelm you.

[That's a harder one to answer. Ratio's completely right on that.]

I... I can only do so much myself. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prevent things like that from happening again.

Then understand that all of our recent failures are a shared burden. Though the guilt is no less heavy, you must realize the limits to your capabilities. Understand them, but work to surpass them.

You will no doubt continue to encounter failure after failure. That is simply life. [ Even he has encountered failure, and some failures were far more costly than any one person should bear. ] But the difference between those who go on to accomplish great things lies in how they handle those failures.

Will you let your failures crush you?

[Often, Ratio gives Raidou the vibes of a Kuzunoha clan elder, from how he speaks and carries himself, to his breadth of knowledge. The lesson he's giving now, though, is a very un-Kuzunoha-like one.]

As a summoner, failure is not an option. Your failure means the cost of other's lives and safety.

[Raidou can't even help but look a little guilty, even now, as he tries to remain sitting straight and maintaining his stoic air. He debates internally for a few moments before deciding to elaborate, just a little.]

... I failed in my mission right before I arrived home. If I somehow survived the incident... at best, my clan will strip me of my title. At worst, execution.

It is a possibility. One that cannot be reduced to zero. We do not live in a world where you can control every variable or factor that could affect an outcome.

[ He doesn't deal with death as closely as Raidou does, but his work often saves lives. And sometimes, it destroys them as well. He's lucky, in a sense, that he usually never has to face the consequences of his failures personally—that is, until now, on this planet. It had not been an easy process, to see the devastation first hand and deal with the guilt that came with it. ]

Hmph. Fools are so eager to rid themselves of a subordinate after one failure.

[ That's the only comment he can make without trying to dictate how Raidou should feel about his situation. The scholar looks at the young summoner, expression solemn. ]

So long as you live, you will always have a myriad of options to choose from, whether or not you recognize their existence. I implore you think carefully about your situation, and what it is you desire for yourself.

I know. But with the scale of our failures here... I can't help but to want to do more. I don't want more to suffer because of our mistakes.

[Raidou shakes his head lightly.]

One mistake that has possibly cost hundreds or thousands of lives in my city. Were LILITH to return me home, and I am still alive there, I will face whatever punishment my clan hands down to me. I understood the weight of my title when I earned it.

[But Raidou doesn't want to go home. His chance of survival seemed slim. It's not that he's scared of dying, it's that he's been given a second chance that no one usually gets. Something he didn't earn, like a gift. He doesn't want to squander it.

This whole while, Raidou's eyes have been glued to the floor, but they shift now in Ratio's direction.

What he desires? It's never been about him.

He nods, almost imperceptibly.]

I will. Though I'm not sure how one could ever figure that out.

[ Raidou's disregard for himself is too strongly engrained for Ratio to uproot easily. He sighs and shakes his head, brows furrowing in exasperation. ]

Well? Have you managed to accomplish more by pushing yourself to the point of delirium?

[Ouch. He looks away again, frowning slightly.]

... No.

I never wanted things to get so-- so bad.

[There's no other way to put it than "bad". Continuing to try and dodge the matter is only going to make things worse.]

I just want to help others. A-And I know, if I push myself too far, I won't be in any shape to help anyone. I've heard it before.

[Spoken in an exasperated, exhausted way, not bitter.]

I just-- can't fix it overnight. I know it might not seem like it, but I am trying.

Assaulting me is the very opposite of helping.

[ Said drily, but not accusingly. What Ratio wants to point out is that Raidou's desperation and overexertion is doing harm, not doing nothing. He isn't helping, he's making things worse. This isn't a net zero gain, this is a negative. ]

Are you going to keep telling yourself that you're trying when you aren't?

[ If he was truly trying, he would set aside his pride and ask for help. He would stop worrying about what others think, and focus on finding the best way to achieve the goal he desires. ]

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